“Secrets I Have Kept From You”

I. There was a watch. Black leather band, cracked and worn and fraying. at the buckle. The face was bruised and the minute hand shuddered around like a grotesque carousel.

Your hand struck my lip before I could move, before I knew you were moving, and the face shattered. Later I saw the watch laying prone on your nightstand. I took it to the toilet and watched it sink to the bottom. Then I flushed it down.

I do not know if you loved that watch but I remember watching you search for it.

II. When he hit you I wondered why you didn’t just shut up. If you just shut up maybe he wouldn’t hit you, or maybe he wouldn’t make it hurt. I wanted you to leave. Once we packed everything in the car and went to the local shelter and there were hohos on the table and somber women surrounding it and I thought we would live there but you picked me up from school and we went back home and you were still talking and you just didn’t shut up.

III. I negotiated with god for you. The god who frowned at us from the pulpit on Sundays demanded blood sacrifices. I offered my father up for you. He did not come around enough for me to feel bad about choosing to lose him. He did not die but god took him anyway.

IV. I hated you a thousand times. I loved you more than I ever hated you. But I did hate you. You made me small and a part of me will always hate that about you.

V. I kicked the cabinet beneath the sink until it splintered. The white paint beneath…